In April 1993, there was an unhappy fourteen year old girl at home by herself on Good Friday. This girl had too much going on inside her mind that day (her whole lifetime for that matter). Something inside her snapped & she made the choice that she was ready to leave that place. The only way she could leave, she figured, was by offing herself. She had run away countless times to only be brought home in disgrace by the police & her parents.

The girl went to the medicine cabinet & opened a bottle of five hundred aspirins. “This oughta work”, she thought & opened the bottle. She grabbed a soda & started downing handful after handful of the pills. Then she laid down.

About three hours passed & she felt her stomach start to burn intensely. She was getting tired, she was beginning to feel loopy & hoped she was on her way out. Seeing as her folks weren’t there with her siblings, she decided to go to her room- in case she was gone by the time they arrived home. She preferred that her siblings didn’t see her dead or dying, but that was really her only rational thought at that point.

The stomach burning severely increased. A tiny voice in her head told her to try to make herself vomit. She only halfheartedly tried & got nowhere.. so back to the bed it was. The next thing she knew she was dozing on & off. During a lucid moment she looked at the clock- it was almost time for her family to be home! They were supposed to attend Good Friday services at their Lutheran church, she had better get ready in a hurry!

Shakily, she showered & dressed, then heard her parents get home. The girl went upstairs. She must have been awfully ill in appearance because her mom took one look at her & asked what had happened. The girl guiltily admitted to taking the aspirin. “How much?”, her mom asked. “The whole thing,” she replied. Her mom promptly freaked out & called poison control. They told her to get her daughter to the nearest emergency room as soon as possible, or to call 911 for an ambulance.

Off they went, her mom stunned & bewildered as to why her little girl would not want to live anymore. When they got to the hospital, the girl was administered activated liquid charcoal to drink. It was too late to pump her stomach. She gingerly drank it- not really wanting to stop the whole process. It made her teeth greenish black & she felt like she was drinking a mud pie. She felt her stomach gurgle, then rumble. The heart monitor started making beeping sounds as she vomited the charcoal all over herself, the floor, the curtain, & even the ceiling. She felt happy about not keeping it down & was smug when the male nurse said “You sure did a good job of getting it everywhere!”.
What she was unhappy about, however, was that she was going to live. They were also sending strange people in to talk to her.. to tell her she was depressed. Of course I’m depressed, she thought.. who else in their correct mindset would try to kill themself?

They kept her in the Intensive Care Unit for most of the weekend, then sent her home on Easter Sunday. Her whole family knew what she had done- they all were angry, hurt, & confused. She felt betrayed by herself. Betrayed by admitting to her parents what she had done. If she hadn’t told on herself like a moron, she’d have accomplished her death! Now all she had to show for it were people who thought she was “crying for help/attention” & longterm kidney, as well as possible liver, damage.

Now, fourteen years later- the girl is now a woman. She is thankful now that she is alive.. thankful for her children & her loving family.

That girl was me.

Posted in childhood, mental health & written by Niki —